Wal-Mart is not my favorite place on earth. Shocking, I know. But sometimes a trip there can't be helped. Typically, it's only made manageable by being with Katie. However, as her project is getting ready for the "go-live" stage - she had to stay in Portland this weekend. And since I didn't think it would be a very nice "present" next Friday to say, "welcome home! - we have no toilet paper, Kleenex, paper towel or napkins!" I figured a trip to Wal-Mart was in order. (side note: I only buy paper products @ Wal-Mart - anymore time spent there is sure to give me a rash.)
I drove down the hill and was surprised to find a parking stall amongst the abandoned shopping carts - so far so good! But the Wal-Mart entry has always been a sore point for me. Luckily I have developed a fool-proof point-of-entry technique (copyright pending!) As you know, Wal-Mart employs greeters. And their sole-purpose for 8-hours each day is to...well, greet people (and place annoying stickers on you, your bags, your kids, etc.) The key to my "greeter-avoidance entry" is to cause a distraction or wait for a naturally occurring one - depending on your time crunch. Today I had nothing but time. But I didn't have to wait long - cue annoying screaming kids, being lectured by their parents. Cue spoiled brat rebelling against parent's lecture and voila! Kid throws down slurpee cup and it splatters across the entry floor - "clean up on aisle one!"
Once inside, I get straight to business - the paper product aisle! However, on my way there I am pleasantly surprised to see QuickTax 2006 (Canada's #1 Best Selling Software) on sale. I love doing taxes, I don't know why - but it's true. So I pick up a copy and move-on. And let me tell you I am now one happy camper. So happy in fact, that I decide to play Wal-Mart shopper games! Here's how it works: I randomly pick two employees. Ask them a skill testing question about their job or Wal-Mart products. If they get it right - I go out of my way to ensure their manager knows what a great job they are doing (good prize!) If they get it wrong - I win (i.e. smile, laugh inside and say to myself, "yes, I won!")
("Mary" and "Jake" - Our Contestants! ) 
Our first contestant "Mary" (no real names are used to protect the innocent) was located in the hardware department (we just got new lockers at work and I wanted to get a door hanger for my towel!) So I find a wicked door hanger, take it with me and walk down the aisle and see our contestant.
S: "Do you have these in your store?" (showing her the package)
M: (no hesitation) "no - but Zellers may have them."
Oh - game over, thanks for playing!
(Official Score: Scott 1 / Wal-Mart Employees 0)
Contestant two is "Jake" (and to be fair his name tag did say he was in training) was located in the paper product aisle. I stand in the middle of the aisle and the product I am looking for is at the far end.
S: "Can you help me find the napkins?"
J: "paper towel?"
S: "No - paper napkins, please"
J: "oh, right - yup, follow me." (And so I do follow Jake, right pass the napkins into the next row to the paper towels.)
J: (pointing at the paper towel) "Is it different to these?"
S: "Yes, I'm looking for folded pieces of paper, often with fun designs on them that make me happy as I wipe my mouth from a great BBQ feast."
J: (looking at me oddly) "I'm sure they are here, follow-me." (And so I do follow Jake back to the aisle we just came from, as he reads to me the products on the shelf until he reads....) "Mardi Gras Napkins!"
Oh - success - well done, Jake! (Official Score: Scott 1 / Wal-Mart Employees 1)
Keeping true to the rules of the game, I ask him to find his Manager and bring him over. He does and I brag about Jake's tenacity and dedication to his work. Jake smiles and returns to work. I pick up my napkins and paper products and I'm pleasantly surprised that I find a teller just opening a new line!
Turns out Wal-Mart can be fun, if you're not afraid to play the game!
"Thanks for shopping Wal-Mart, come again!"
7 comments:
too funny! I personally don't get to WalMart as often as I would like. But I always find fun things there.... My only frustration is when the greeters want to inspect all my purchases on the way out, and expect me to find my receipt... hmmm, I know I just had it, but it's probably stuffed in the bottom of the diaper bag by now - and possibly covered in milk from a drippy bottle. And the kids are always DONE by the time we finally leave the store... you get the picture - I may have been one of the distractions that helped you get into the store at one point!
Oh my, sounds like you might be just a bit bored without your wife around?
That's hilarious!
Hum, I just realized I'm making the assumption that you and Katie are married. Funny, I usually don't automatically assume that. Oh, I know why, it must be "Boyd Biking and Adventures" not, Boyd & ___...." Am I right, are you two married?
Thanks, Sarah! I always remember you and your sister loving Wal-Mart - but I appreciate your connection with the greeters. You and your kids would totally be a great entry distraction - when will you be in Calgary?! ha!
Amy: Yup, very bored. But I do the same crazy stuff when my wife-to-be is around too! (October'07)
I LOVE Wal-Mart... except when I've done all my Christmas shopping by September but still need to buy diapers in December (while everyone else is buying Christmas presents!) - not fun! They should really open a "non-Christmas present shoppers line-up" at that time of year... you might benefit from it too! As for the greeters - if you go in quick and then go immediately right or left through the seasonal candy section they can be somewhat avoied! (depending on the store layout) We buy all our paper products at Costco :) So... yer not wanting a Wal-Mart gift card for a wedding prez!?
The sooner Katie comes back the better!!! You are losing it. Oh by the way I see I have a new grandchild.
P.S. Scott, my mom was over when I was reading this and she got quite a kick out of it too!!!!
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